This post is about me, but I’m hoping you can find some inspiration as you read my struggles in the light of faith…and the time it took to find that faith.
See, I have been called by God. Called to pour my heart out into the pages of a blog. Called to be exposed and open and faithful as I use the fires God has used to refine me to encourage others. A call to be raw and emotional and true and show a plethora of strangers my innermost fears and insecurities, but also my triumphs! I have been called, and I’m FINALLY reaching for the challenge.
I want to make you believe that I was like Samuel. That when God called, I jumped right up and said, “What do you need?!” But I am NO Samuel. I am more like Moses or Jeremiah. Both men, called by God, made excuses of why they could NOT follow God’s calling. Both showed off their insecurities that mirror mine so vividly. I am not coming forward confident in my writing, in my stories, or in my experiences.
I’m more like Jeremiah, crying out to God that I am too young and can’t speak for Him (Jeremiah 1:6). I can’t imagine people will listen to a young woman at the beginning of her journey in life and say, “She’s got the right answers!”
Or more like Moses, who had every excuse in the book for why he could not be the one to speak to Pharaoh. Who am I (Exodus 3:11)? I’m a nobody. A young woman from southern Louisiana, struggling with motherhood, and finances, and marriage. I used to be a teacher but now I stay at home with my three baby girls. How am I unique? How am I remarkable enough to make an impact on someone’s life by my words? How about those words? Moses and I share the sentiment of not feeling very confident in the area of communication either (Exodus 4:10)! I am constantly tongue-tied, writer’s block runs strong, and speaking in front of large groups of adults makes me speak too quickly and sweat profusely… no lie. When this calling began, I cried out just like Moses, “Lord, PLEASE!!!!! Send ANYONE ELSE!” (Exodus 4:13).
Although it only took me a hot second to give up on myself (almost four full years of giving up on myself to be exact), the amazing Daddy God had full confidence in me. He continued to pull at my heart strings. He continued to give me signs. He did not allow me to bow out of this until I followed His will. Man, did he do some yelling!
So here I am, maybe not as quickly as I should have, modeling Samuel. “Speak, your servant is listening” (1 Samuel 3:10). I am ready, although completely insecure, to follow His calling. To share my stories and encourage you with the words and lessons He has put on my heart. I don’t know where this will go, but I know I can’t ignore this any longer, or God may not even let me sleep at night. I pray that you might come along and hear what God is using me to say to you, in my unique, timid, and very reluctant voice.